Adjusting to Motherhood: Ramblings Of A Sleep Deprived First Time Mom
I vowed while pregnant that I wanted to be sure to not lose myself completely when the girls were born.
Ha. Silly first time mama.
Needless to say I have completely been engulfed into the beautiful world of motherhood and I have completely lost myself in my sweet girls. I am so incredibly happy and honored to be a triplet mom. I know this phase of life will go by so quickly I do not feel like I am missing anything what so ever. In fact, I feel like I am complete.
I have been thinking lately how this will effect my girls as they get older, if all I am is their mom. I want to raise daughters who are independent, ready to try new things, and not be scared of making mistakes. I am scared that I will become stagnant, not bettering myself outside of motherhood and I am worried I will not be the role model I want to be for them. I don't want to put this pressure on them that they are my entire world (although they always will be). I don't want them to feel like their mom is nothing outside of them.
But how in the world do I find balance? Will it just happen naturally overtime, or will it be something I need to make a conscious effort to achieve? And will I ever have time??? I'm sitting here listening to music I haven't listened to in such a long time. It is the first time in a while I have really taken time to just do something I enjoy. It is what kick started this thought process.
I am still adjusting to life with three babies and what it means to be a mother. Becoming a parent has made me dig deep into who I am, what I believe, how I want to raise my girls. I think there is a facet of humanity you cannot understand until you have children. I am humbled to my core. I feel like I constantly have a pit in my stomach where all the worry of bad things that can happen to my babies lies. When I hold my daughters I want to crawl inside of them I love them so much. The smell of their skin when I go to check on them in the middle of the night fills the room and I want to fall to my knees and weep because it is a sensation that is overwhelming. I feel. I feel so much. How can I not be completely engrossed in my babies? What if they are enough? But what will happen when they don't need me and I have built my life around them.
Maybe parenthood is just fluid. Ever changing, flexing and bending to accompany and foster the foundation for your little humans lives. It's so unique because I will be a parent the rest of my life. It isn't a job that I might outgrow or retire from. I feel a heavy responsibility every day to give all I can to make sure I give my babies the start they deserve. You don't get do overs or second chances. This is it, this is the one shot, the one time they will be little. I am trying to not let this overwhelm me and rob me of just enjoying my babies but sometimes it seeps in and I let the anxiety fill my mind. Am I doing enough? Am I holding them enough, playing enough? How can I even try to carve out my own life or do anything for myself with this huge responsibility? I know it will be different when the girls get older, when they are potty trained, when they can make their own food, when they go to school. I know this is all a huge adjustment and will continue to be.
I am grateful I am a mother. I am grateful I get to stay home with my three little girls and focus all my time and energy on them. I am grateful the hardened layers of my heart are stripped away and I am completely vulnerable and raw to all of the emotions, the good and extremely difficult, that are motherhood. I might not be fulfilling my normal creative outlets or wearing pants on a regular basis, but I feel that motherhood has made me whole. It has drawn out strengths and brought out the best in me. One day I am sure I will have an identity crisis when my girls don't want to sit on my lap or need me anymore. But for now I choose to lose myself. I can always go back to school, paint a picture, or do my hair. But I will never get to watch my babies learn to giggle again, and they will not always fit so perfect in my arms.
Ha. Silly first time mama.
Needless to say I have completely been engulfed into the beautiful world of motherhood and I have completely lost myself in my sweet girls. I am so incredibly happy and honored to be a triplet mom. I know this phase of life will go by so quickly I do not feel like I am missing anything what so ever. In fact, I feel like I am complete.
I have been thinking lately how this will effect my girls as they get older, if all I am is their mom. I want to raise daughters who are independent, ready to try new things, and not be scared of making mistakes. I am scared that I will become stagnant, not bettering myself outside of motherhood and I am worried I will not be the role model I want to be for them. I don't want to put this pressure on them that they are my entire world (although they always will be). I don't want them to feel like their mom is nothing outside of them.
But how in the world do I find balance? Will it just happen naturally overtime, or will it be something I need to make a conscious effort to achieve? And will I ever have time??? I'm sitting here listening to music I haven't listened to in such a long time. It is the first time in a while I have really taken time to just do something I enjoy. It is what kick started this thought process.
I am still adjusting to life with three babies and what it means to be a mother. Becoming a parent has made me dig deep into who I am, what I believe, how I want to raise my girls. I think there is a facet of humanity you cannot understand until you have children. I am humbled to my core. I feel like I constantly have a pit in my stomach where all the worry of bad things that can happen to my babies lies. When I hold my daughters I want to crawl inside of them I love them so much. The smell of their skin when I go to check on them in the middle of the night fills the room and I want to fall to my knees and weep because it is a sensation that is overwhelming. I feel. I feel so much. How can I not be completely engrossed in my babies? What if they are enough? But what will happen when they don't need me and I have built my life around them.
Maybe parenthood is just fluid. Ever changing, flexing and bending to accompany and foster the foundation for your little humans lives. It's so unique because I will be a parent the rest of my life. It isn't a job that I might outgrow or retire from. I feel a heavy responsibility every day to give all I can to make sure I give my babies the start they deserve. You don't get do overs or second chances. This is it, this is the one shot, the one time they will be little. I am trying to not let this overwhelm me and rob me of just enjoying my babies but sometimes it seeps in and I let the anxiety fill my mind. Am I doing enough? Am I holding them enough, playing enough? How can I even try to carve out my own life or do anything for myself with this huge responsibility? I know it will be different when the girls get older, when they are potty trained, when they can make their own food, when they go to school. I know this is all a huge adjustment and will continue to be.
I am grateful I am a mother. I am grateful I get to stay home with my three little girls and focus all my time and energy on them. I am grateful the hardened layers of my heart are stripped away and I am completely vulnerable and raw to all of the emotions, the good and extremely difficult, that are motherhood. I might not be fulfilling my normal creative outlets or wearing pants on a regular basis, but I feel that motherhood has made me whole. It has drawn out strengths and brought out the best in me. One day I am sure I will have an identity crisis when my girls don't want to sit on my lap or need me anymore. But for now I choose to lose myself. I can always go back to school, paint a picture, or do my hair. But I will never get to watch my babies learn to giggle again, and they will not always fit so perfect in my arms.
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