What Makes Having Triplets Hard?

This trippin' ain’t easy. I am pretty sure I have aged ten times as fast since the girls were born. I just found my first grey hair, I mean really grey… And now my beauty routine involves multiple anti aging and stretch mark creams. But these things are trivial compared to what is actually hard about having triplets. I prepared as best I could from the moment we found out there were three. I was bracing myself, researching, lining up help and doing the best I could to be ready for when the trio made their appearance. Not surprisingly, like everything else I thought I had prepared for, what makes having triplets hard, is so incredibly different from what I thought it would be. I thought the amount of work, diapers, crying, and general care of three newborns would be exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, it totally is, but I had mentally prepared for this. What makes having triplets hard has surprised me and they are things that I had not thought of. So here is what I find to be the hardest aspects of having triplets.

Sleep Deprivation.

Duh, you might think this is a no brainer, but holy wow is it a level I never could have fathomed. I knew I would be sleep deprived but I did not think it would be this extreme. I was scared in the beginning I would black out at times, and I started to get slightly paranoid. I would have racing thoughts of “how would I get all the babies out if there was a fire, and “what if someone broke in, how could I protect them all.” It got bad at times the first few months, but most days it just got weird (let’s just say mama has some sick dance moves and the trio often get a good show. Or she has a meltdown at 4 am and bawls her eyes out when poor Juniper pukes and it comes out her nose and it is the saddest thing she has ever seen in her life). At one point I vaguely remember googling “Can you die from not sleeping?”. I literally was only sleeping 2-4 hours a day for the first 8 weeks. I still, at 5 months, am completely exhausted and it is just a way of life now. I usually don’t realize how tired I am until I’m out in public, which hardly ever happens...

Three Vs. One

I in no way was prepared for the emotional and psychological toll of having three babies. When they were still sleepy preemies and we had to actually wake them up to eat it was honestly super manageable. I could handle all three and meet each of their needs every day. When the preemie days started to end, the floodgates of anxiety and mom guilt flew wide open. The babies were aware and craving attention. I hated not being able to hold each of them at the same time (I saw all of these pictures of triplet moms holding all their babies, yeah that isn’t really how it goes. Preemies are fragile and floppy and puke and I was not brave enough to attempt this). When they all were feeling needy I had to do the three baby shuffle. It broke my heart when I would be holding one baby and see the other two just sitting there, not being cuddled. It made it so incredibly difficult to enjoy one on one moments when I constantly felt guilty for the other two that weren’t getting held. It is so difficult to give everything you possibly can each day and know your babies are still only getting one third of you. I ring myself out into my girls, but at the end of each day I feel like I failed them. Accepting I will not be able to give them what I could have if they were a singleton has been an ongoing struggle for me. I still hold back tears some days when I see someone breastfeeding, because I wanted this for my babies so badly. I was not prepared for the feeling of not being enough. This is one of the absolute hardest parts of having triplets.

Bonding: Humans are programmed to fall in love with one person at a time.

I was under the impression that once you had a baby you would instantly be bonded with them and know exactly what they needed and it would be this pure bliss. I often think this is how it would have been if I had had a singleton, but I was completely shocked when I was not bonded with my babies instantly. Of course I absolutely adored them and loved them so much my heart could have burst, but I did not feel an individual bond with each of the girls for a few months. When I first saw all three of them in the NICU I was intimidated. I was scared to hold them, scared I would mess up, I had no idea what to do if they cried, I felt that I was instantly failing as a mother. I felt guilt, overwhelming sadness and confusion as to why I wasn’t bonding with them. I remember giving Joan her very first real bath at home and she was crying. I froze up and Jon said to me, “Talk to her Mal.” How could I not think to just talk softly to comfort her? I was overwhelmed with a desire to be the best mom ever to my girls, and the reality that I had no idea what I was doing. Bonding with multiples is far different than it is with singletons. Your time is so divided that you don't get a chance to just sit and stare at one of your babies for hours on end. It is a process that is constantly interrupted. If only I had known then that it is normal and I was not a terrible mother for not bonding with the girls right away. If only I knew it would happen slowly and once it did I would share a bond so deep I don’t know how life existed without each of my daughters.

Needing Help

I am a very independent and introverted person. Having every single person drill into me from the second I found out we were having triplets that I would need loads and loads of help really freaked me out. Thinking of having people over at my home constantly during the most intimate and vulnerable time of my life, while I was bonding with my brand new babies and trying to figure out the whole motherhood thing completely terrified me. I was ready to embrace it for the sake of my babies but in the back of my mind I always knew I wanted to get to a place I could do it on my own. I never knew that having help would be difficult, and not for the initial reasons (of course) that I thought. My mom has been the only one that I felt comfortable enough to let help, and thankfully is the only one I ever needed. I was so excited that I had her to help me, she is hilarious, my best friend, and so so good with my girls. I was again shocked that iit was so incredibly hard when she came to help. I was so insecure as a mother and so insecure with the bonding process that I was completely terrified the girls would think my mom was their mom. I would look at my mom, so well rested, so able to give, not sleep deprived, or hormonal, or lacking in the personal hygiene department... I actually would feel sick to my stomach at times when two or more girls would be fussy and I would be bouncing one and she would be bouncing one and I was faced with the reality I couldn’t comfort my girls at the same time. Thankfully I really truly “needed” help for only about a month while I was not getting any sleep and the girls had mild reflux and tummy troubles. But for that month there was a time when my mom came over every day. I didn’t feel like a mother. I couldn’t take care of my babies on my own.I felt like my mom and I were almost co-parenting, which looking back now is so silly. I felt so guilty for these feelings since my mom was so understanding and so willing to drop everything to come help. I’m not sure how I will ever repay her for putting up with me.

ARE THEY TRIPLETS!??? My normal is a spectacle.

Going in public with three babies makes you a complete spectacle. The stares! Oh the stares. And the whispers. It was really hard the first few times. You are just constantly on display. I hate having any sort of attention on myself, let alone my family, so this was really hard to get used to. But hey, when you have three you just gotta roll with it. It does look like a parade when we go places… I mean, I get it. When you are functioning on 3 hours of sleep in the beginning, the last thing you want to do is chit chat with strangers, and that is what constantly happens when you go in public with the three. For some reason people feel entitled, like they can just come over and start asking questions. Not only are you the 10th person to approach me, and ask the same questions again, your germs and your little germy kid are really freaking me out.

I remember in the very early days when I was still extremely hormonal I had a point in time when I hated hearing the word triplets. I really struggled with everyone calling my babies “THE Triplets”. I wanted to just say, they aren’t THE Triplets, they are my babies, they are Joan, Fairen, and Juniper. This is my normal, treat me NORMAL!! Now that I am not quite so hormonal I have completely embraced the triplet lifestyle, I even have a bumper sticker on my gold minivan that says Triplets On Board…. I digress. It is hard at times not being relatable. On the flip side, I have this incredible gift of three perfect and beautiful babies, some hilarious stories, and a unique situation I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Triplets are hard. Singletons are hard. Parenthood is hard. LIFE IS HARD. But why on earth would we want it to be easy? Have you ever noticed how the things you work the hardest for are the absolute best? Having my triplets is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me.